Thanks Inga I really enjoyed this. The opening image of the genderless missing poster is such a sharp hook, and the way you braid Avelyn’s ordinary, slightly self-conscious inner monologue into something steadily more ominous feels completely natural. I loved the small, grounded details — the Starbucks order, the baked-cheese warmth, the “hippos” line — because they make the creeping dread land harder, rather than tipping into melodrama.
The turn at Josie’s house is handled brilliantly: the clinical neatness, the “shoes off” moment, the plastic, the locks — it all clicks into place without you ever over-explaining. And that final reveal (the belly) is properly chilling. You’ve got a real knack for pacing and for letting unease build through texture and observation, so by the time things go left it feels inevitable rather than convenient. I’d defo read the next part.
Thank you for such thoughtful comment! I really appreciate it. I think when writing these, I try to narrow down what makes a thriller thrilling and compress it into as short a story as I can.
No, Avelyn Parker was not a reference to the game. I like A names, and Parker is the name of a character from the TV show (Leverage) that I'm currently binging.
Even though I could see where this was going, the ending was still spine-tingling and hits hard. Wow, you're good at this!
Thank you so much!! It's a challenge to find a new, twisted way for people to hurt each other every two weeks. 🤣
Just when you think you're safe...
Great story, Inga.
Thank you so much for reading!
Loved this story Inga. Thank-you
Thank you so much for reading!
Listened to this twice during my morning walk! Wow! That was so dark! Love it 🫶💖✨
Oh wow! Thank you so much for engaging with this story so thoughtfully. I appreciate it beyond words.
🫶💖✨
Brutal! Very well written! Good job, Inga!
Thank you so much!!
You’re welcome!
Thanks Inga I really enjoyed this. The opening image of the genderless missing poster is such a sharp hook, and the way you braid Avelyn’s ordinary, slightly self-conscious inner monologue into something steadily more ominous feels completely natural. I loved the small, grounded details — the Starbucks order, the baked-cheese warmth, the “hippos” line — because they make the creeping dread land harder, rather than tipping into melodrama.
The turn at Josie’s house is handled brilliantly: the clinical neatness, the “shoes off” moment, the plastic, the locks — it all clicks into place without you ever over-explaining. And that final reveal (the belly) is properly chilling. You’ve got a real knack for pacing and for letting unease build through texture and observation, so by the time things go left it feels inevitable rather than convenient. I’d defo read the next part.
Wayne
Thank you for such thoughtful comment! I really appreciate it. I think when writing these, I try to narrow down what makes a thriller thrilling and compress it into as short a story as I can.
WILD
Thank you :)
OK I was NOT expecting that! Well done!
Thank you! I'm trying to write a bunch of mini thrillers to help me with the bigger project.
Chilling!
I wasn't sure if I should put a trigger warning on this one. Do people still use them?
I think you’re good!
You feel it from the start, but it still hits hard in the end. A very creepy story indeed.
Thank you! I'm trying to mostly write creepy/thriller stories and it feels like it's hard to make violence fresh sometimes.
It came together nicely in the end :)
You kinda know what's coming, and still bite on the lip with every sentence. Done awfully good.
P.S. Is Avelyn Parker a random name, or a nod to Cyberpunk 2077? 😅
Thank you! I'm so glad it worked.
No, Avelyn Parker was not a reference to the game. I like A names, and Parker is the name of a character from the TV show (Leverage) that I'm currently binging.
Yeah, it was a long stretch. The one from the game is Evelyn Parker.
Ooh! That was dark. Twisted. Kind of a gut punch there at the end.
Love it!
Thank you! It usually takes me a fair amount of time to decide on the ending and make it stick without overexplaining.
The ending was perfect, and you set it up so well at the start with her thoughts about how if it was her.
Again, damn. Who can you trust these days?
haha no one is safe!
The pacing creates such delicious anticipation because I just KNEW something was coming. How horrifying.
Thank you! I'm glad the pacing worked!
Hooked me. My wife is 17 weeks at the moment. Creepy writing. Excellent writing. I like the Die Hard reference to Swiss cheese. Good dialogue!
First, huge congrats on the new addition to your family!
Second, thank you so much for reading!